I know how I should feel
What things I should say
Things to do
What to be
But knowing
And living
Are two different things
Warring inside my head
As the demons
That demand my time
And my blood
And my tears
Continue to tear me apart
I don’t know how to fight
How to save myself
From their claws
Their fangs
And their insistent lies
Masks are a fail safe
A way to continue
While demons claw at my back
I show a brave face
While crying inside
Never knowing when
I’ll break down
And cry for real
I breathe
But every breath is painful
As the words and the whispers
Cling to me like smoke
My head is pounding
The vileness
My demons spew
C
Floating high as I socialize
Laughing and talking
Communing and connecting
I touch and am touched
By voices, hands, souls
But after
In the dark moments
I fall into a void
Of pain
And sorrow
I lose myself
I don’t know who I am
When the event is over
And I return home
Alone and lonely
As if my heart lives
Only when surrounded
By other hearts
Where I can share mine
And the rest of me
So I flounder
Fighting tears
And dejection
That lives only in my head
Because none of this is real
But I live it
And breathe it
And know that this is my reality
But it’s a lie
Though it’s not cake
It’s a lie
Because I am not just
My con
When I open a book
It’s the lives I lead
That helps me continue
And thrive
I fall into a story
I get lost in the words
That play like a movie
Inside my mind
Sometimes I never
Wish to return
To the banal existence
That I live
I want to be someone
Someone special and needed
At least to another setting
That’s not here
I live vicariously
Through their lives
See through their eyes
And speak their words
I cringe when something
Goes wrong
But also cheer
When it goes right
I don’t want to be
In my own story
A tale where nothing happens
And loneliness reigns
I dream of things
Real or imagined
That I could be doing
Instead of
Sometimes the girl in the mirror
Smiles at me like she knows
The answer to a riddle
I still haven't found
I know we are the same
That she shares my face
And yet at the same time
I feel like she’s prettier than me
As if my emotions can’t touch
Or change
Or move
Who she is inside
But she is me
And I am she
Yet we’re so separate
From each other
In ways I can’t describe
I want to trade places
And live her life
It seems glamorous
She must have some secret
That I can’t seem to puzzle out
Some story that I can’t read
Or a better song than mine
A glimmer in her eye
As I catch a glimpse of her
In any reflecti
I found you
Looking lost and lonely
And out of your depth
At your first party
I talked to you
Helping you travers
The somewhat scary universe
We found ourselves in
It’s been months now
And you’ve found your feet
You’re taking your steps
And deciding who you are
And yet
As we connected
Touching and teasing
I find the truth
Like two puzzle pieces
That fit two different places
And are forcing ourselves
To mesh
I held on tight
Out of fear and hope
And some desperation
That we would work
But we don’t
We don’t mesh only collide
Breaking ourselves apart
On each other
And so as much as it pains me
I have realized
I look in the mirror
All I see is a girl
Trying to be who she isn’t
For love
Who am I
And why do I bother
To lure people in
When I am hollow
I am the girl in the corner
Standing against the wall
Alone and smiling
While crying within
I have found the hard way
That I am not enough
To hold a man
To keep a man
Do I need one
Only in the sake of comfort
Of joy and pleasure
But even then no
And yet alone
I feel so cut adrift
Cast aside for a newer model
And left to wither
My heart has found hope
But I wonder
When will that fall too
Like sand from my fingers
Hope is so fleeting
And to catch her
You have to be elaborate
But I don’t
Slipping into monotony
I feel a rush of banality
Of colors leeching
From the world
No joy is held
In reverence
Nor does wonder prevail
In this life of woe
I slip further into
The abyss of nothing
Where hope lies
Dormant and alone
Where did
My happiness go
My spark and light
My bliss
Was ignorance
The deciding factor
On if I am brought high
Or laid low
Were the muses the reason
That all creativity
Fell barren
From my fingertips
Or was it my own
Faults and fears
And emotional destruction
That caused this death
How then
Do I find the ecstasy
And luminosity
Of creation
Is it a seed
In my own soul
That begs to see
Through my eyes
Or