My Rollercoaster

Floating high as I socialize
Laughing and talking
Communing and connecting
I touch and am touched
By voices, hands, souls

But after
In the dark moments
I fall into a void
Of pain
And sorrow

I lose myself
I don’t know who I am
When the event is over
And I return home
Alone and lonely

As if my heart lives
Only when surrounded
By other hearts
Where I can share mine
And the rest of me

So I flounder
Fighting tears
And dejection
That lives only in my head
Because none of this is real

But I live it
And breathe it
And know that this is my reality
But it’s a lie
Though it’s not cake

It’s a lie
Because I am not just
My connections
My interactions
My socializations

I am NOT this void
This needy being
That has to have this touch
Of another soul
And yet I am

Are my feelings valid
Am I just a living rollercoaster
That doesn’t know how to change
Down to up
So I can stop crying

I stand surrounded
And even then I feel
As if I’m in a sea of nothing
Though people talk
Around me

Which is real
The me that is the people person
The me that hides from interaction
The me that falls in the downward
Spiral of need and pain

The sad fact
They’re all me
And I can’t contain them
Can’t chain them
To pieces of my puzzle

All I can do is survive the roller coaster
As it dips into the void of my despair
And I live through the pain
And the agony of loneliness
And hope to come out the other side

Hopefully intact
In one way or another
Though chipped and bleeding
My soul burning
But mostly in one piece

I try to know why
To find my calm center
But through it all I know
That this will just happen
Again and again

Unless I do something
But I don’t know what
I don’t have the knowledge
Or maybe I just like the pain
And revel in it unconsciously

I want to smile
But my heart is jagged
I want to be loved and love
But I don’t see my own worth
So why would anyone else

Around and around my mind
Plays these morbid tricks
No matter how I try
I can’t silence these voices
Without drastic measures

So I live and breathe
And take it day by day
With the ups and downs
Through the void and the clouds
On my emotional rollercoaster